“What Happened to You?” The Development of Narcissism in Hmong Men
By Panh Nha Song, Licensed Professional Counselor and Director of Mental Health Ministries at Song Counseling.
Narcissism is a personality trait that’s characterized by an inflated sense of self-importance and an excessive need for constant admiration from others. A narcissistic person often puts themselves on a pedestal with very little to no empathy for those around them, manipulating them and controlling them for personal gains. Yet ironically, their narcissism usually comes from their lack of confidence, low self-esteem, and fragile sense of self. These low characteristics can be developed as a response to a range of cultural, familial, and psychological factors.
The root causes of narcissistic traits among Hmong men can be traced through the layers of cultural expectations, traditional gender roles, and the pressures of navigating their identity in both Hmong and Western contexts. Hmong women can also be narcissistic, but we will not be focusing on them at this time. Here, we will explore how the development of narcissism in Hmong men is shaped by patriarchal gender roles, intergenerational trauma, and shifting social dynamics within diaspora communities. By examining the cultural narratives that elevate male authority, suppress emotional vulnerability, and prioritize reputation, we gain a deeper understanding of how narcissistic behaviors may emerge as a coping mechanism, identity tool, or an inherited model of masculinity in fatherhood and leadership. Now, before we begin, it’s important to acknowledge that not all Hmong men raised in the same cultural environment will inevitably develop narcissistic traits. While these settings may create an enabling environment for such tendencies to emerge, they do not ultimately determine one’s character.
As a traditionally patriarchal society, Hmong culture has long assigned significant authority, status, and value to men over women. This deeply embedded hierarchy has created conditions that foster the development of narcissistic traits in boys and men. From a young age, Hmong sons are taught that their role and gender in their families are far more significant and important than that of their sisters. A son is considered the tub cag, the root of the family, destined to inherit the family name, carry on the clan lineage, and take on leadership responsibilities. In contrast, daughters are referred to as a ntxhais qhua, guests, temporary members of their own family, in that they will eventually leave to marry and join another. Because of this belief, a daughter’s worth is tied only to successful marriage and her ability to bear sons for the family she marries into.
As daughters are seen as belonging to others, families often choose not to invest in their long-term development. Resources such as education, leadership training, and family support are reserved only for the sons, those who are viewed as future leaders and bearers of the family’s honor. Meanwhile, girls are trained to serve, manage domestic duties, and prepare for subservient roles as wives and daughters-in-law. This system does not simply assign different roles to boys and girls; it fundamentally shapes how they view their identity and worth. Boys learn that their voices and authority matter more, while girls are taught to diminish themselves for the sake of the family. Over time, these patterns reinforce male superiority and entitlement, contributing to the development of narcissistic traits rooted in patriarchal validation.
If you think narcissists keep themselves so well hidden in the mainstream population, they’re even more hidden in the Hmong and other Asians. Research has found that individuals from more collectivistic cultures (like the Hmong) reported greater narcissism scores than those from individualistic cultures like the U.S.1 This makes sense if we look at God’s value of truth, genuineness of the heart and his purpose for relationships. Mark 7:20-23 makes it clear that what comes from inside a person’s heart is what defiles them; James 4:3 talks about making decisions with wrong motives and for selfish gain; and according to Matthew 7:21-23, our decisions should be for love of others and for doing the will of God.
There are many other Scriptures about God’s desire for us to be pure and honest, which means doing things for the right reasons and because our desire aligns with God’s. However, doing things because you are forced to or pressured to, for coping, for people-pleasing, seeking approval or validation, for fulfilling self-worth, or for expecting something in return, makes it ingenuine and dishonest. It could mean we don’t know our worth to God. When we’re not genuine about what we do, it can result in surface level outcomes, less meaningful engagements, distrust, and a dissipation of our energy. We end up fearful instead of hopeful.
God does not need our burnt offerings. Hosea 6:6 says, “For I desire steadfast love and not sacrifice, the knowledge of God rather than burnt offerings.” Other areas in the Bible state that we shouldn’t give an offering or sacrifice that is cheap, fake, without quality, or doesn’t cost us anything (Malachi 1:7-8, Leviticus 1:3, 2 Samuel 24:24, Isaiah 1:11-13). These sacrifices can be made by both the abuser and the victim. If a victim thinks they’re making sacrifices for God by staying submissive in an abusive marriage, or by being dishonest, or as a means for gaining self-worth or worldly love, then God doesn’t need that. God desires her to seek his righteousness and, in all things, acknowledge him. If the narcissist appears to be giving to God, either with time, money, or providing for the family, but with wrong motives, giving at the expense of hurting or stealing from others, then it’s meaningless and dishonest.
Instead of asking the narcissist “What’s wrong with you?” we could ask “What happened to you?”
If family image is most important, then there’s little room for individual growth, identity, and matters of the heart. It’s not only the narcissist that lies or does things for wrong reasons, but also the families’ negligence due to cultural pressures. We can miss the root of the problem when we’re just judging a family or the outside of a person without knowing more about them or what’s in their heart. Although we don’t truly know a person’s motive or what’s in their heart, Jesus taught in Matthew 7:15-20 about how we can know false prophets by their fruits. Might we apply this to our discernments of genuine fruits of the Spirit? Galatians 5:22 lists these fruits to be love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. Jesus also said in John 7:24, “Stop judging by mere appearances, but instead judge correctly.”
Seeking clarity, truth and the right understanding of a narcissist can lead to more compassionate care and solutions. Instead of asking the narcissist “What’s wrong with you?” we could ask “What happened to you?” This helps reduce blaming and shaming. Having the right understanding can also prepare us to be open and focused on God’s healing options and directions, leading to healthier families. Most importantly, it can also give others hope and the chance to develop an identity under Christ, letting go of an identity built on lies and shame.
Panh Nha Song was born in a refugee camp in Thailand and came to the US when she was 1 year old. She has been in Green Bay, WI for over 30 years now, is a Licensed Professional Counselor and owner of Song Counseling. She is currently taking classes at the Hmong Christian Institute in the Ministerial Study program. She is interested in breaking the silence of mental illness in the Hmong churches and would love to collaborate with others like minded and others who would like to support this. She wants the church to also include and love those struggling with mental illness, those who are oppressed and unseen, and to bring them to God’s Kingdom together.
Fatfouta, Ramzi, Artur Sawicki, and Magdalena Zemojtel-Piotrowska. “Are individualistic societies really more narcissistic than collectivistic ones? A five-world region cross-cultural re-examination of narcissism and its facets.” Personality and Individual Differences, 183 (2021). https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/abs/pii/S0191886921005420