The Strength in Shame: Relearning Healthy Modes of Acceptance and Expression
Tips for Asian Americans Wrestling with Shame
By Dr. Sonia Prasadam, counseling psychologist and therapist in Coonoor, India.
“Yeah, I got appreciated at my new workplace, but I guess they do that to all the newcomers,” “I just achieved something I’ve been dreaming of, but it doesn’t feel like a big deal,” “I am exhausted trying to hold it all together, hold my family together, perform at my job, and keep my social life together,” “I feel like I am a burden on those around me, especially when I have emotional outbursts.” These statements are reflections of experiences my clients have had over the years, and they all have one thing in common - feelings of shame. These are the feelings we have when we want to run away or hide from a part of us that we evaluate as unworthy to be seen by others.1
The Nature of Shame
Shame brings about at least two responses. One is where we try to cover up any attribute or behavior that we think might bring about shame, and two is when we let shame consume us such that there is no room for feelings of confidence or being valued. An instance of the first kind of response is when you find yourself avoiding any tendencies of failing, an act that you believe will bring back feelings of shame. You either overwork to ensure nothing less than success or avoid opportunities that might give room for failure. The second kind of response could look like feeling worthless or not good enough even when reality says otherwise. Take a moment here and go back to the first few statements that reflect client stories and try to identify which category of these statements you might fall under. The two kinds of responses to shame we identified here can be temporary. Either the person feeling shame receives a response that replaces the shame with feeling loved and valued, or the shame can linger on, having adverse effects on the individual.2 The remainder of this article focuses on how one can transition from having lingering shame to having temporary shame.
Shame and Guilt
Even as you read the introductory paragraph that gives a glimpse into the world of shame, your brain may have had another loaded word hovering close by—guilt. While they share a lot of similarities, where both of them might bring about feelings of regret, guilt is the outcome of engaging in behavior/action that might be perceived as undesirable by self or others, whereas shame is perceiving the whole self as undesirable and not a just a particular action of the self.3 Usually, the unpleasantness of guilt doesn’t linger since it is based on an event, thus indicating that something can be done to fix it, such as apologizing for or modifying the behavior. However, the unpleasantness of shame is more prone to linger since it resonates throughout our very being, thereby making it difficult to identify its cause and find a resolution to the unpleasantness. So, while experiencing guilt brings about a posture of “okay, what can I do to fix this?” shame is more like “I don’t want to be seen, I want to shrink away.”
How Shame Develops
This seemingly icky emotion of shame develops surprisingly early, even earlier than guilt. Morrison brings together ideas from theorists who have worked in the area of early childhood experiences, mapping out three possible entry points for shame. The first is in the stage of infancy, wherein if the caregiver fails to respond to a need, the infant possibly feels bad or unworthy. This does not necessarily lead to lasting feelings of shame unless the infant experiences repeated instances of not having their basic needs satisfied. The next point at which shame could enter is toddlerhood, where they experience some amount of autonomy willingly but are also still in need of support. At this stage, if they have negative experiences in relation to their peers or siblings, where they are made to feel inadequate in carrying out tasks, then they are more prone to feelings of shame. Finally, when they turn around 4 or 5 years of age, they carry certain ideals within themselves that have been developed based on inputs from their social ecosystem, such as family, peers, teachers, church, and so on. Usually, these are things they wish to be and thoughts of possible ways of achieving those ideals. For instance, an ideal could be “I need to be smart” and “I can only do that if I know all the right answers to questions both adults and peers ask me.” So, if the child sees themselves failing to do so, shame is prone to set in.
Shame and Culture
While the process of failing to match up to an ideal is most likely a universal phenomenon, the consequence of not meeting an ideal might differ across cultures. A usual response of those who see a child fail is “disappointment” in them which instantly leaves the child feeling ashamed. However, in cultures where the value of “maintaining honor” is given top priority, there is the perception of not just disappointing an individual but disappointing the family and sometimes even the community.4 An individual is left not only feeling like they have failed as an individual, but they see their failure as being a burden on others in their immediate circle, making the weight of shame feel even heavier.
The need to honor the needs and views of people within their group is most commonly found in collectivistic cultures, which many Asian countries fall under. Thus it is no surprise when I find my clients express to me that “I wish I could control my anger” or “I wish I didn’t cry for the small things, it’s inconvenient to the other” (this usually means parents and siblings). The first thought here is not that one’s emotions are causing distress, but it's more about how one’s actions might disturb the peace of those around a person. While shame can be in response to feeling inadequate, it can also be in response to feeling responsible for disrupting communal harmony, which is central in collectivistic cultures.5
Shame and The Bible
The Bible carries stories of people experiencing both kinds of shame beginning as early as Adam and Eve, who display shame in response to dishonoring God (Genesis 3:10). We see the theme of shame emerge again in the account of the conversation between God and Moses at the burning bush, where Moses expresses his inadequacy to lead the people out of Egypt (Exodus 4:10). The story of Jonah fleeing away from the Lord when told to preach to the people of Nineveh is also a possible reflection of shame, stemming from inadequacy. Furthermore, imagine the shame the woman bleeding for 12 years endured (Luke 8:43). These excerpts from the Bible probably make you feel less lonely in feeling shame, and perhaps there is something more that we can possibly understand about shame through these stories. If you go back to each of these passages, there is one more common theme that runs through - the theme of confession or exposure of shame. While there might have been initial instances of wanting to hide or go away from God, all these stories end with the person making known to God the reason for their shame. What is more incredible is how God goes on to use them or value them in ways unimaginable. This is where we see the strength in shame.
Shame and the Christian Life
Being a Christian comes along with carrying with us some of the highest ideals as seen in the Bible and through the life of Christ. It is a no-brainer then that each one of us carries shame with us, either in response to real inadequacies or perceived ones. Stephen Pattison, in his book, Shame – Theory, Therapy, Theology, discusses various theological understandings of shame.6 An important idea presented in the book that helps us further see the strength in shame is in the writings of Dietrich Bonhoeffer. Bonhoeffer highlights that while shame feels like a disunion with God and humans, it also gives room to work on restoring fellowship with God and humans by laying bare our sin through confession. I can see this as applying to even laying our inadequacies and perceived inadequacies bare to God, which is the first step necessary in the process of restoration. Pattison also brings in the teachings of Paul Tillich, who famously said, “Omniscience means that our mystery is manifest. Omnipresence means that our privacy is public.” This shows us that all of us are already known by God, the good, the bad, and the shameful. All that is in our hold is the ability to submit to God and all of ourselves and to depend on God to help us work through this shame.
While this calls for a process, the seemingly easier way out is to hide shame and keep it within ourselves, which could lead to narcissistic tendencies. By doing so, even though we may now avoid being perceived as inadequate if we persevere in this route of believing in our own ability to be all-knowing, all-capable, and all-perfect, a great fall may be around the corner. The story of the Tower of Babel is a great depiction of this kind of fall (Genesis 11:1-9). Acceptance of the experience of shame and expression of that to God, and sometimes to the people around us, will help us experience a deeper connection with both God and our neighbors. Shame reminds us that we need God, that we need people, and that we cannot walk this journey of life alone. The more we consider instances of feeling shame as opportunities to depend on God and the other, the more likely that lingering shame will transition into temporary shame.
What Does Acceptance and Expression of Shame Look Like?
It could look like talking with God through prayer, singing, or meditation and making known all that you feel shame for while loosening the grip on trying to be in control. This would give the opportunity to live with open hands, receiving the compassion of God in return for the shame you have to offer.
It could look like sharing with someone you trust when you feel shame and what brings about shame. For instance, telling a friend “I feel like I don’t have much to offer as an employee at my workplace, I feel inadequate.” This would probably garner a response of “Hey, but here are some skills I have observed in you that are probably contributing to your workspace,” or “Okay, let’s brainstorm ways in which you could possibly build better skills.”
It could look like asking for a helping hand. For instance, when you feel overwhelmed with tasks in front of you, you could delegate them to willing family members or friends. This would mean letting go of the notion that “you can do it all.”
It could look like reminding yourself of the times you have been valued or the times your needs have been addressed previously. This would help overcome the effects of negative life experiences of the past.
Note : If you know of someone who might be struggling with shame, you could direct them to seek professional help. You could also be the one who can authentically remind them of their value and worth because it is possible that their childhood years did not highlight it.
Dr. Sonia Elizabeth Prasadam is a qualified counseling psychologist and works as a therapist based in Coonoor, India. She earned her PhD in Psychology from Christ University, Bengaluru, focusing on social anxiety, particularly music performance anxiety. With experience as an assistant professor, she has taught postgraduate courses on multicultural counseling skills, counseling theory, and practice, among others. In her spare time, she enjoys reading silly books to her three-year-old daughter, Hayley, and dining out with her husband, Ben. On Sundays, you’ll either find her keenly listening to her husband’s sermons or enthusiastically teaching action songs to the kids at Sunday school.
Lewis, M. (1992). Shame: The exposed self. New York, NY: Free Press
Koerner, K., Tsai, M., & Simpson, E. (2011). Treating shame: A functional analytic approach. In R. L. Dearing & J. P. Tangney (Eds.), Shame in the therapy hour (pp. 275-294). The Guilford Press.
Lewis, H. B. (1971). Shame and guilt in neurosis. New York, NY: International Universities Press.
Uskul, A. K., Oyserman, D., & Schwarz, N. (2011). Cultural emphasis on honor, modesty, or self-enhancement: Implications for the survey response process. In M. Braun, B. Edwards, J. Harkness, T. Johnson, L. Lyberg, P. Mohler, & T. W. Smith (Eds.), Survey methods in multinational, multiregional, and multicultural contexts (pp. 139-156). John Wiley & Sons.
Shi, Z., Cai, T., Chen, B.-B., & Qu, Y. (2024). Cultural influences. In W. Troop-Gordon & E. W. Neblett (Eds.), Encyclopedia of adolescence (2nd ed., pp. 60-77). Academic Press
Pattison, S. (2000). Shame: Theory, therapy, theology. Cambridge University Press.