Sit with Us for a Moment
An Invitation for Cross-Cultural Learning About Rupture and Repair
By Stephanie Carter, Founder and Publisher, Global Christian Family Books
Marie and I met at a writers conference years ago at the early stages of her journey as a writer and my journey as a publisher. We have since become good friends, connecting regularly to pray and encourage each other. She recently invited me to join her in attending this year’s Our Flourishing, Our Faith conference with its theme of Navigating Rupture and Repair in Asian American Christian Communities. I initially hesitated to accept her invitation. My hesitation was not from believing the topic was unimportant, or from thinking I would not be blessed by meeting speakers and attendees; I hesitated because I do not share my friend’s Asian American heritage. I am an African American, and I felt (feared) I would be intruding on a delicate and special time for my Asian American neighbors to gather and address community issues. Marie assuaged my concern while continuing to encourage my attendance. I am grateful for her welcome. It was an honor and a blessing to share two days with my Asian and Asian American brothers and sisters, enjoying fellowship and learning from their discussion of rupture and repair.
Rupture and Repair in Families and Church Communities
Dr. Jessica ChenFeng examined rupture and repair in the context of families. Rupture is “the loss of felt connection.” One of her initial comments was particularly impactful for me. She stated that “the experience of rupture and the work of repair is lifelong.” Though I know we are fallen beings who will deal with our own sin and the sin of others throughout our lifetime, hearing rupture and repair work spoken of as a lifelong task was clarifying. When she later noted that our goal is not to avoid all rupture throughout our lives, I saw both statements as providing a corrected framework for understanding the ongoing place of repair work in our lives.
Dr. ChenFeng added perspective to the concept of repair by describing it as “the slow, faithful practice of returning to ourselves, to one another, to God.” Repair, as she noted, must occur relationally because the preceding rupture happened relationally. These insights further refined the framework for lifelong repair work.
I was grateful for Dr. ChenFeng’s message that Christ “holds what we cannot yet mend” and gives us grace for repair. Her reminder of our Lord’s sovereign care and ever-present love gave us hope and peace for the work ahead.
Dr. Christina Lee Kim addressed hidden ruptures in her session, “Hidden Ruptures and the Hope of Church as a Healing Community.” Hidden ruptures are relational breakdowns that are not openly acknowledged. Dr. Kim conveyed the impact of hidden ruptures on relationships with a metaphor about a door frame. She described lightly pressing her finger against a wooden door frame that looked solid. With only a gentle touch, the frame’s surface immediately collapsed, revealing an interior hollowed by termites. Like the wooden frame, relationships with hidden ruptures may look sound on the surface, but may be incapable of withstanding much pressure.
In the context of a church community, hidden ruptures can result from an unfulfilled need to feel valued, secure, or accepted. A person’s willingness to address ruptures is affected by contextual factors, self-awareness, and cultural values. Dr. Kim discussed three Asian cultural values: harmony, saving face, and shame. Saving face represents the desire to avoid embarrassing someone or diminishing their dignity. Shame is a relational regulator that encourages repair and sustains harmony, though it can also undermine repair. Harmony reflects a desire to maintain conformity and group cohesion, and the desire to not stick out. During this discussion, Dr. Kim acknowledged the beauty of these cultural values. She also affirmed the importance of harmony by sharing a few Bible verses that encourage its pursuit (I Cor. 1:10, Eph. 4:3, Heb. 12:14-15). Dr. Kim’s examination of these values and her celebration of their beauty gave me a deeper understanding of Asian American culture and a warm appreciation for these community distinctions.
Hidden ruptures are relational breakdowns that are not openly acknowledged.
After sharing biblical examples of repair, such as Jesus’ restoration of Peter in John 21, Dr. Kim framed ongoing repair work as an opportunity for spiritual formation and growth in the areas of love, humility, forgiveness, and reconciliation. Theological aspects of repair also include confession and repentance.
Enduring and Grieving Unresolved Ruptures
Dr. Sangeetha Thomas addressed unresolved ruptures created by historical experiences. These experiences can be categorized as personal, generational, or diasporic. The unresolved ruptures associated with these experiences are death, relational cut off, and erasure, which represent the loss of life, relationship, and heritage. Dr. Thomas acknowledged colonization, whitewashing, racialization, and migration as some of the historical experiences that have led to erasure. Her acknowledgement renewed and expanded my understanding of the historical factors that continue to affect my Asian American neighbors.
Community members carry grief caused by unresolved ruptures, and experience associated physical, cognitive, functional, and emotional distress. To address this grief, Dr. Thomas shared that Christ invites us to lamentation. She defined lamentation as “the relational expression of our grief …a form of mourning, or the constructive externalizing of grief…the process of adaptation to loss.” Dr. Thomas then shared Bible verses, such as Ps. 77:1-3, which contain expressions of lamentation.
Repairing Generational Rupture with H.O.N.O.R.
Ms. Tansy Kadoe, a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, listed two primary sources of generational rupture in Asian American families: The tension of maintaining congruence with self while remaining loyal to family and community, and the ongoing effects of cultural and historical experiences. The historical experiences faced by many communities include racism, colonialism, patriarchy, and ableism, which convey messages of “inferiority, powerlessness, shame, and diminishment.” Ms. Kadoe also listed migration, sacrifice, family expectation, and resilience as common factors impacting rupture and repair in families.
Ms. Kadoe used a simulated conversation between a parent and a child to model self-incongruence and demonstrate the way it can cause rupture between family members.
Message spoken: The parent says to the child, “you have it easy.”
Message intended: The intention behind the parent’s spoken words is, I want “to help you appreciate sacrifice and build resilience.”
Message unspoken/unaware: The unspoken and possibly unrecognized message underlying the parent’s words is, “I fear you won’t value what I sacrificed.”
Message received (internalized rules): The child hears the message, “I feel guilty for having needs.” Over time, the child internalizes this message as a rule.
…two primary sources of generational rupture in Asian American families: The tension of maintaining congruence with self while remaining loyal to family and community, and the ongoing effects of cultural and historical experiences.
Ms. Kadoe also presented a path to repairing generational rupture in Asian American families in the form of the acronym HONOR.
H - Having awareness of your emotions
O - Observing your own internal patterns
N - Naming external forces that create “emotional vulnerability”
O - Opening bridges “to Self, to Others, and to Context”
R - Resting in our Shepherd’s care (Matt. 11:28).
The last component is intended to establish congruence with God. Ms. Kadoe ended the session by giving conference attendees a moment to practice resting in God’s care. She asked us to place our hands over our hearts and close our eyes while a worship song invited us to imagine being “held by our Shepherd.” Ms. Kadoe prompted us to meditate on letting Him hold us, release our hurts to him, receive His care and love, and realize that we are held by Him.
The Blessings of Cross-Cultural Learning About Rupture and Repair
I am grateful to have joined my friend in attending this conference. It was a joy spending time with my Asian American brothers and sisters as I learned more about their cultural values, historical experiences, and journey to repair.
I was also grateful for the opportunity to learn about rupture and repair. The specific historical experiences and cultural distinctions that influence ruptures may differ across communities, but the need to prayerfully examine, name, and repair ruptures is universal. As speakers addressed these issues in the Asian American Christian context, I was able to apply the underlying principles to myself personally and to the African American Christian community’s experience.
Gathering with my brothers and sisters, and learning from them, was indeed a blessing.
Stephanie Carter is the founder and publisher of Global Christian Family Books, an independent publisher of books that celebrate faith, honor cultural distinctions, and reflect diverse ethnicities in the global Christian community. Stephanie, a licensed minister, holds a Master of Divinity from The King’s University, a Master of Business Administration from UCLA, and a Master of Arts in Education Administration from UC Berkeley. She and her husband and many of their family members live in California.